Well...it's over.
Apr. 25th, 2023 04:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mitochondriaayaWho: Aya, Ben
When: The weeks after the trial.
What: Attempting to deal.
"Are you sleeping, Aya?" her therapist (one of three), leaned back in her chair and waited expectantly.
Sleep, oh that was a fun one to start on. Mitochondrials attuned to people, and the feel of things around them pretty hard, it was their biology apparently. Mapping out a support system of things that were suppose to be there. For just over two years she'd had two very prominent anchors she could always feel in her peripheral. They meant safety and home for that period. Everything else was strange without them really, and that meant she didn't feel safe sleeping.
And it meant her bed was too big, and too empty. No heartbeats or breathing when she rolled in the night unless she counted the ever willing to snuggle Sheeva. That helped.
Normally Ben would balance that out, and the feel of her neighbors, but Lorraine had a new man in her life which meant she was trotting Ben around as evidence she was a 'good mother' and Ben's account was being drained at an accelerated rate. It meant it was hit or miss whether Ben could come home each day and that didn't help for certain. Add in the neighbor below her going into a retirement home and selling her apartment to a young couple and nothing felt right.
She needed to dial down her abilities, but the back of her head insisted that there was still the need to be in high gear. So, of course, "no, not really. I'm not feeling safe enough to do that, so I collapse for a nap every once in a while." Mostly on her rocks.
Her therapist sighed and made a note, "that's naps pretty much since the trial, Aya, you know that isn't best."
She almost laughed, "of course I know that."
"I'd like to prescribe you a sleep aid if you're okay with that. There's a few new ones since you went under that have had some good effect even with mitochondrials."
Hey that was something. She tried, hard, not to think she'd be trapped, unable to move, and feeling unsafe because her head was an idiot..."I'm ready to try anything," she admitted tiredly. "I'm going through support cubes and food way too fast to compensate for the lack of sleep." And those weren't cheap, cubes OR high quality food when someone else wasn't footing the bill.
"Are you experiencing financial stress?" the therapist blinked. "You got a hefty sum from being under didn't you?"
Aya laughed, "no, no stress really. Just..." Lorraine.
"Just...?"
Aya closed her eyes, tamping bitterness down hard, "there's just been an increase in expenses recently. And Ben and I are apparently going on a cruise as well so that's where a lot of the liquid cash went," she sighed.
"Are those increases due to things that stress you?"
"Lorraine," Aya agreed softly. "She's got Ben and when she has him her expenses come first instead of food for Ben. I have to keep money in that account so he eats and she knows that."
Her therapist winced, "I've seen the documents," she sighed, "how a judge keeps granting her over you is beyond me."
"She has friends," Aya admitted dully. "If CPS is called she knows and when they show up things are miraculously Ben oriented, with food he can eat in the fridge magically. Call in a drug tip and she knows, nothing to find when someone shows up..." Aya couldn't land any proof or evidence to shift things and it broke her heart most days of the year.
And yet Lorraine had been fine to let Ben live almost alone for two years at their home. Bitch.
She couldn't say it out loud, if she started swearing at or about Lorraine she wouldn't stop and that wouldn't help Ben at all.
"I know this may be a sore topic Aya but is there a point where you should remove yourself and let the state handle things?"
She blinked, a lot of her anxiety and stress spiraling down into a honed, diamond hard point, "you will never say that again." Ever. Stepping back meant cutting Ben off, and made him vulnerable in too many ways to count. It meant he transferred back to the shitty school by Lorraine, and lost his health insurance under her. It meant not answering the phone when Ben was scared or needed a fast out.
It meant killing a good portion of her life and that was NOT an option.
"His father trusted me to take care of Ben," she noted tensely. "I won't betray that trust, or Ben, in that manner."
"...I'm sorry, I assume this is something you work with another therapist on?"
Aya nodded tightly.
"Good, I'm glad you have support there." There was an awkward silence as Aya keyed herself back down and the therapist grasped for firmer ground, "you haven't spoken to your partners, correct?"
She shook her head slightly, "sometimes I call one of the message numbers when I have a bad night but no. It isn't healthy," she offered with a wry smile. To expect the degree of support and entanglement in the real world, with their real faces. They had lives to get back to; they all did.
"How are you handling that? I know adjusting is..."
"Hell?" Aya chuckled softly. "Yes. There's pieces missing in my life and the weirdness that is my biology keeps looking for all the pieces instead of accepting they're gone."
"What is a normal adjustment period for you?" the therapist asked, worried. "I know you're listed as highly active as mitochondrials go so..."
"Normally I can adjust in a day or two and I guess unsynchronize? in about the same amount of time." That was how it had worked with undercover before. Granted, no case had been so long on her part either. It was expected it would take longer, right? She'd talk to her doctor at the end of the week. Mitochondrials were still a big dark spot on the map of humanity in most cases so it was always best to check in with a specialist when things went weird.
"I see," the therapist mused, tapping her pen a moment, "when you were under you played as part of a couple. Have you had any...fantasies or emotional thoughts about that carrying over?"
Had she? "A few, small wistful thoughts," Aya admitted quietly. "They're so much...fun when they're themselves." People she could dance and laugh and play around with. "They're also firmly taken with each other and they might entertain adding a third from commentary I heard but they have a lot of options in the wings that aren't, well, violating rules to see."
"So you've put some thought into this."
Aya chuckled, "had to, to make sure as we were under NOT to allow too much bleed. I had to build that logic wall in my head so I could trust my body with them and NOT complicate things beyond that." And it was bitter and cold in her mouth to admit that but she had to have faith in her logic.
It would help.
"Hmmm," the therapist mused softly, "I'd like you to keep a record of how much you look for them until we next meet. And how often you call."
Aya nodded, standing, "of course. Sheeva, come." One constant left, there was that, and a quiet, serious one when it was therapy time. Outside the offices though she was a bouncy dog doing her best to cheer Aya up. "You've got energy girl," she finally chuckled, "and I've got stress. Let's run to Nara's, that'll help." A while getting tossed around and letting Sheeva greet everyone never hurt. Emotionally or mentally anyway!
When: The weeks after the trial.
What: Attempting to deal.
"Are you sleeping, Aya?" her therapist (one of three), leaned back in her chair and waited expectantly.
Sleep, oh that was a fun one to start on. Mitochondrials attuned to people, and the feel of things around them pretty hard, it was their biology apparently. Mapping out a support system of things that were suppose to be there. For just over two years she'd had two very prominent anchors she could always feel in her peripheral. They meant safety and home for that period. Everything else was strange without them really, and that meant she didn't feel safe sleeping.
And it meant her bed was too big, and too empty. No heartbeats or breathing when she rolled in the night unless she counted the ever willing to snuggle Sheeva. That helped.
Normally Ben would balance that out, and the feel of her neighbors, but Lorraine had a new man in her life which meant she was trotting Ben around as evidence she was a 'good mother' and Ben's account was being drained at an accelerated rate. It meant it was hit or miss whether Ben could come home each day and that didn't help for certain. Add in the neighbor below her going into a retirement home and selling her apartment to a young couple and nothing felt right.
She needed to dial down her abilities, but the back of her head insisted that there was still the need to be in high gear. So, of course, "no, not really. I'm not feeling safe enough to do that, so I collapse for a nap every once in a while." Mostly on her rocks.
Her therapist sighed and made a note, "that's naps pretty much since the trial, Aya, you know that isn't best."
She almost laughed, "of course I know that."
"I'd like to prescribe you a sleep aid if you're okay with that. There's a few new ones since you went under that have had some good effect even with mitochondrials."
Hey that was something. She tried, hard, not to think she'd be trapped, unable to move, and feeling unsafe because her head was an idiot..."I'm ready to try anything," she admitted tiredly. "I'm going through support cubes and food way too fast to compensate for the lack of sleep." And those weren't cheap, cubes OR high quality food when someone else wasn't footing the bill.
"Are you experiencing financial stress?" the therapist blinked. "You got a hefty sum from being under didn't you?"
Aya laughed, "no, no stress really. Just..." Lorraine.
"Just...?"
Aya closed her eyes, tamping bitterness down hard, "there's just been an increase in expenses recently. And Ben and I are apparently going on a cruise as well so that's where a lot of the liquid cash went," she sighed.
"Are those increases due to things that stress you?"
"Lorraine," Aya agreed softly. "She's got Ben and when she has him her expenses come first instead of food for Ben. I have to keep money in that account so he eats and she knows that."
Her therapist winced, "I've seen the documents," she sighed, "how a judge keeps granting her over you is beyond me."
"She has friends," Aya admitted dully. "If CPS is called she knows and when they show up things are miraculously Ben oriented, with food he can eat in the fridge magically. Call in a drug tip and she knows, nothing to find when someone shows up..." Aya couldn't land any proof or evidence to shift things and it broke her heart most days of the year.
And yet Lorraine had been fine to let Ben live almost alone for two years at their home. Bitch.
She couldn't say it out loud, if she started swearing at or about Lorraine she wouldn't stop and that wouldn't help Ben at all.
"I know this may be a sore topic Aya but is there a point where you should remove yourself and let the state handle things?"
She blinked, a lot of her anxiety and stress spiraling down into a honed, diamond hard point, "you will never say that again." Ever. Stepping back meant cutting Ben off, and made him vulnerable in too many ways to count. It meant he transferred back to the shitty school by Lorraine, and lost his health insurance under her. It meant not answering the phone when Ben was scared or needed a fast out.
It meant killing a good portion of her life and that was NOT an option.
"His father trusted me to take care of Ben," she noted tensely. "I won't betray that trust, or Ben, in that manner."
"...I'm sorry, I assume this is something you work with another therapist on?"
Aya nodded tightly.
"Good, I'm glad you have support there." There was an awkward silence as Aya keyed herself back down and the therapist grasped for firmer ground, "you haven't spoken to your partners, correct?"
She shook her head slightly, "sometimes I call one of the message numbers when I have a bad night but no. It isn't healthy," she offered with a wry smile. To expect the degree of support and entanglement in the real world, with their real faces. They had lives to get back to; they all did.
"How are you handling that? I know adjusting is..."
"Hell?" Aya chuckled softly. "Yes. There's pieces missing in my life and the weirdness that is my biology keeps looking for all the pieces instead of accepting they're gone."
"What is a normal adjustment period for you?" the therapist asked, worried. "I know you're listed as highly active as mitochondrials go so..."
"Normally I can adjust in a day or two and I guess unsynchronize? in about the same amount of time." That was how it had worked with undercover before. Granted, no case had been so long on her part either. It was expected it would take longer, right? She'd talk to her doctor at the end of the week. Mitochondrials were still a big dark spot on the map of humanity in most cases so it was always best to check in with a specialist when things went weird.
"I see," the therapist mused, tapping her pen a moment, "when you were under you played as part of a couple. Have you had any...fantasies or emotional thoughts about that carrying over?"
Had she? "A few, small wistful thoughts," Aya admitted quietly. "They're so much...fun when they're themselves." People she could dance and laugh and play around with. "They're also firmly taken with each other and they might entertain adding a third from commentary I heard but they have a lot of options in the wings that aren't, well, violating rules to see."
"So you've put some thought into this."
Aya chuckled, "had to, to make sure as we were under NOT to allow too much bleed. I had to build that logic wall in my head so I could trust my body with them and NOT complicate things beyond that." And it was bitter and cold in her mouth to admit that but she had to have faith in her logic.
It would help.
"Hmmm," the therapist mused softly, "I'd like you to keep a record of how much you look for them until we next meet. And how often you call."
Aya nodded, standing, "of course. Sheeva, come." One constant left, there was that, and a quiet, serious one when it was therapy time. Outside the offices though she was a bouncy dog doing her best to cheer Aya up. "You've got energy girl," she finally chuckled, "and I've got stress. Let's run to Nara's, that'll help." A while getting tossed around and letting Sheeva greet everyone never hurt. Emotionally or mentally anyway!
